Hello friends and neighbors! I've returned from my visit to Canada – the big dog event, and the stay with Mr. U.
There was a lot of paperwork, cooking, and prepartion to do for this event, and it mostly fell on us, so we were busier than cats coverin' up shit the whole time. He was nursing a sprained disc in his back so this marks the first trip during which we weren't intimate…..ever. I think even if his back weren't out we might not have been intimate – I really can't say. We might have been – I don't think his feelings for me have ever really changed, and we were always intimate (at least once) before. Who knows? I'll never know.
In any event, I went up there with the mindset that we were just friends. I adopted his stated view of our relationship and rolled with it. I did not talk about "us." There really wasn't a whole lot of time for that anyway – too much to do. The first night we slept in the same bed – for a little while. When I woke up, he was in the other bedroom. He good-naturedly claimed that I snored him out of bed (which was a very good possibility – we both snore somethin' awful.) His bed is extremely firm, and the bed he went to is softer. I encouraged him to sleep there for his back's sake if nothing else, so we agreed to sleep in different beds the rest of the stay, but he did offer the hug and kiss at bedtime. Pretty much like 2 old married couples do. "You sleep where you're most comfortable and so will I" kind of thing.
Because I left "us" out of the conversations, he seemed more willing to talk about my moving to Upstate New York (so I can be closer to this sport and the friends that I love so dearly) and he even took me by a property for sale on Wellesley Island that would be approximately 15 minutes from his house in Canada. He lives just over "the bridge." In short, I took the pressure off, and the friendship we've always had seemed to become stronger. I have resigned myself to accept the fact that "friends" is all we will ever be. He doesn't want to go to that heavy, love place again. I still love him, anyway…with all my heart.
When we first started this routine of me flying to Syracuse and him picking me up/taking me back, he would always park, go in with me, we would eat lunch at a pizza place in the airport, and he would stay until I went thru security to board my plane. We would hug and kiss, then I would go thru the security check. Sometimes I would look back and he would still be there – waiting for me to go out of sight. Then it shifted to a point that when I would go thru security, I would turn and he would already be gone. Soooo, the last couple of times I've been up there for an event or whatever, I have saved him the trouble of parking at the airport and coming in with me to see me onto the plane. I would suggest he just drop me off and I would get myself checked in and on the plane and he could head home, and that's what we did.
This time, not only did we park and go in, we ate at the pizza place, he walked me to the gate, hugged and kissed me. Just before I went thru the metal detector I turned and he was still there. He waved at me and I waved back. I went thru, was gathering up my things (and putting my shoes back on, lol) I knew he couldn't see me at this point, but I could look thru the checkpoint and see him in the crowd of people milling around. He was still there – just kind of hanging out. I waited for a minute to see if he would get on the escalator to leave, but he stayed. He kinda stood around – sometimes with his back to me, as if he were waiting for me to arrive instead of leave. It was strange. For a second I wondered if he were hanging around until he heard or saw my plane leave. There was no reason for him to stay after I went thru the gate.
Oh well, it is what it is, and we are what we are. I'm a woman who loves a man who doesn't love me back. It prevents me from seeking or desiring love anywhere else, so as long as the man lives, I'm pretty much guaranteed that I will be alone. I will protect and savor our friendship and always long for more.
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Cheeps 