Okay, so my sons are tired of me sitting at home every weekend, sleeping my afternoons away from boredom and depression. They think I need to find a friend my age…you know, to do things with, and maybe have a relationship.
Son #1: "You need to get out and meet people, Mom."
Me: "Like where am I going to do that? I'm not interested in the bar scene, and my knee is too fucked up for ballroom dancing."
Son #2: "What about the personals on Craig's list?"
Me: "Bitches, please."
So when they left I punched up Craig's List for my city. Didn't find anything that interested me, but I was sure as hell entertained for the rest of the evening, so it wasn't all bad. I had so much fun reading the ads…I howled, snorted, shuddered, eyerolled….LMAOed. I thought I'd share some of the good'uns. So is everybody who's my age and single…insane!? Am I insane? I'm going to keep an open mind, though. I'll keep reading them, if for no other reason than for entertainment value.
These are the real thing. I've cropped some that were novel length, but I haven't "edited" anything so to speak. My inner monologues, as I read these, are in purple.
#1. 58 and, just me 58
Hi, I,m Doug. Let me tell you little bit about myself. As you know, 58, and I've been married, more than once. I live on a farm with llamas in my front yard. I like my job, but wish I didn't have to work. But I do so life goes on. I enjoy going to the American Legion and the local Elks club. I like playing pool, country music is okay. I drink a few beers, but don't and never have smoked. But smoking doesn't offend me. What I'm looking for. Someone to hang out with, sit on the front porch and watch the llamas. Sex would be nice… (Alllllrighty then. Next)
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#2. Hit the offer
This city is finally growing up. 1.7 million in the last census, and I would bet a lot closer to 2 million now. So…it seems like it shouldn't be that hard to find the right girl for a solid, lasting LTR. It's a partnership kind of thing, you see. (Okay..he seems well-spoken and analytical)
Here's the backstory:
The Consequence Unfolding
Misbehaviour in a snit,
Some passing fit of pique,
Draws scant acknowledgement,
perhaps goes unremarked,
but for the momentary gaze.
Sharing, then, the understanding
of events unfolding.
(Damn, he's not only well-spoken, he's a poet!)
In the quiet room
kneeling, you fold and
stretch out the ottomans length,
secure at wrist and knee,
(Woahhhh, hold up…)
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#3. I am not your typical guy – 52
I am looking for a single female. I am 5'9", 165lbs, and divorced. I have no children living at home. I am a cat person, I have one. I do not use tobacco in any form, and I only drink maybe once a year. I ride a nice, quiet motorcycle and I like to play this outdoor game called Geocaching (google it). I am a carnivore. (cool, he won't mind that I'm a hunter and kill my own meat) The closest I have come in Christianity is the Quaker church. Non-violence – YEAH! (scratch that) I don't like sports.
I hope to find someone to love so that I can enjoy my time on this planet. As it is, I just stay up late watching TV waiting for the end, ( wtf ) so I can find out what is on the other side. ( W.T.F. ) YOU can make ME hope that day never comes. (….Next)
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#4. Unhappey at home, me too. – 45
Yes I am married, not wanting to change that right now, but would like to find older lady to chat with and see what happens, above 40 is a plus but whatever. If we just become good friends would be nice, cmplane about our spouses. LOL Hope ot hear from you great women out there. (I'm guessing his mother is deceased…Next)
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#5. Do you like soft gentle kisses?
Here is a little about myself. I am an avid golfer and sports nut but what guy isn't. I also love classic rock and roll such as the Beatles, Led Zepplin, The Doors, etc since I grew up listening to that kind of music and music really hasn't been the same since. I am very close to my family and family is very important to me. I have a lot of friends some of which go back to high school that I am also very close to. (Sounds like an sentimental, loyal kinda guy)
First of all I just turned 50 and believe it or not, I am not bothered by it. (Wait a minute, this is a dude talking, right?) In fact, most of my friends are surprised I made it. I actually look 10-12 years younger (or so I've been told) when I am not sporting my facial hair which is removed in the summer for that nice overall tan look. (lol, what?) I have been described as being very funny with a quick wit and sometimes off the wall sense of humor.
I would describe myself as an old-fashioned romantic who loves to cuddle and kiss that one special person softly all over. What ever happened to kissing anyway? I want to be able to look in your eyes and you know what I am feeling without me saying a word. I want to feel that when you look in my eyes. I want my heart to race whenever we are together and I want it to ache whenever we are apart. (Okay, this is either a post-op tranny or my cousin Bonnie is fuckin' around on the internet again) That someone special should be very passionate and spontaneous when it comes to the physical aspect of a relationship. I know I am and it would be great to have someone to share that with.
Courtesy of Billy Joel. I love this song.
She's got a way about her… (Sweet Jesus….Next)
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#6. Intelligent white man seeks strong black woman – 47
Hello. I'm a white professional man with two advanced degrees and who has lived in Europe. I am 5 11 185lbs and in great shape (hittinig the gym 5 X a week). I have learned the brain is truly the biggest organ and I have learned to stop asking why and just enjoy what I enjoy. I love to role play and play a servant for a strong intelligent black women. I'll be glad to share more details if you are interested, but suffice it to say it will be all about you. Let's have a great summer and fall together. (Now, where did I put that shoe polish….?)
Cheeps 